


Drowning in Doubt

by LibraryMage



Series: Break Your Chains [13]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Character, Autistic Ezra Bridger, Father-Son Relationship, Force Bond (Star Wars), Found Family, Gen, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-07 22:54:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12851262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: In the weeks since he and Kanan were rescued, Ezra hasn't been able to stop feeling guilty.





	Drowning in Doubt

**Author's Note:**

> warning for: references to past torture; references to past child abuse; survivors blaming themselves for traumatic events

Ezra’s hands were shaking as he tried to force his mind to empty.  He clenched them into fists to steady them as he closed his eyes.  He tried to breathe slowly in the same pattern that had always helped him to clear his mind.  In for five, hold his breath, then slowly let it out.  Slowly, slowly, the sounds of the ship, of Kanan’s breathing, of Hera’s voice in the distance, scolding Chopper for something, all began to fade away.

For a few brief, peaceful moments, Ezra’s mind was truly empty.  There was nothing but him and the Force and somewhere, far in the distance, Kanan.  Just as Ezra began to settle into the calming emptiness, something cold pierced into his mind.  He felt the pressure of something locking around his wrists and chest, pain echoing through his bond with Kanan.  Kanan was hurt, they were going to kill him.  Something was tightening in Ezra’s chest.  He couldn’t breathe.  The cold twisted around inside his mind, shadows pressing in on him from all sides.

Ezra was hunched forward, his head in his hands, his breath coming in sharp, ragged gasps.  His stomach twisted in knots and he had to fight back the urge to vomit.

He felt a hand on his back.  A warm, comforting, familiar touch.  Kanan.

“Don’t touch me!” Ezra shouted, pulling away from Kanan, shoving his master’s hand away.

Ezra stumbled to his feet, desperate to get away.

_Don’t touch me, don’t look at me, stay away._

He tripped and caught himself on the doorframe before he could fall.  He quickly palmed open the door and ran through it, ignoring Kanan’s voice calling after him.

He almost ran straight into Hera as he stumbled through the ship, just narrowly dodging past her.  He found himself in the hangar, looking around frantically for somewhere he could hide.  He couldn’t be on the _Ghost_ and he didn’t want anyone seeing him like this.

He found a storage area and shut himself inside.  He squeezed his eyes shut, slamming the heels of his hands against his forehead.

_You’re weak.  Weak, stupid, worthless **child**_ , he thought, punctuating each word with another hit to his face.

Ezra sank to the floor, hugging himself around the middle to try and stop himself from shaking.  He felt the echo of Kanan’s hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him, and dug his nails into his skin.  Kanan shouldn’t be trying to help him, not after what had happened.  He didn’t deserve it, and every time Kanan tried to comfort him when he was dragged back into his memories was just a reminder of that.  He had broken under the Inquisitor’s torture.  The Inquisitor had barely done anything to him, but he’d still broken.  He was weak.  He wasn’t worth the time and effort either of his masters had put into training him, not if he had given in so easily.

The thought of what Maul would have done to him if this had happened while Ezra was still with him weighed heavily on Ezra's shoulders.  He would have been lucky if Maul had just beaten him and locked him in a cell for days.  He almost wished Kanan would punish him for what he’d done.  At least that would make sense.

Ezra didn’t know how long he stayed hidden, trying to regain some measure of control over himself.  He could feel the phantom pains of Maul’s hand around his arm, dragging him into a cell.  A hand closing around his throat as he was pushed back against a wall.  Restraints biting into his wrists, leaving cuts and bruises on his skin.  A dark, cold presence closing in on his mind…

The door slid open and Ezra gasped and jumped back, catching himself on his hands before he fell flat on his back.  He looked up to see Kanan standing over him.  Ezra averted his gaze to avoid looking at him, drawing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay,” Kanan said.

“I’m sorry,” Ezra muttered.

“There’s nothing to apologize for,” Kanan said.  He knelt down in front of Ezra, who flinched back away from him.

“Please talk to me,” Kanan said.  “I can't help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“I don’t want help,” Ezra said.

“Something tells me that’s not true,” Kanan said.

“Kanan, I --” Ezra cut himself off, shaking his head.  He didn’t deserve Kanan’s help or comfort or sympathy.  He deserved to feel this way.

“What is it?” Kanan asked.

“I --” a lump formed in Ezra’s throat.  The words just wouldn’t come.  How could he tell Kanan about this, even if wanted to?  He wasn't even sure he  _did_ want to.

He felt a warm, comforting sensation spreading through his mind, just like it had at the tower, as Kanan tried to reassure him that he would be okay.  Ezra’s stomach twisted into knots and his heart skipped a beat at the feeling of someone else pressing in on his mind like that.

_He won't hurt you,_ he reminded himself.  _He’s not trying to break in._

Slowly, Ezra looked up and lowered the shields in his mind, holding out his feelings toward Kanan.  Fear and guilt and shame hung in the air between them like a storm cloud.

“Ezra, there’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Kanan said.

“Yes, there is,” Ezra said, his voice shaking.  “I broke, Kanan.  I should have been able to hold out, but I couldn’t.”

“You didn’t know anything,” Kanan said, putting a hand on Ezra’s shoulder.  “Nothing you could have said is putting anyone in danger.”

Ezra flinched away from Kanan’s touch.  He stared back down at the floor.  His guilt and shame weighed on his and Kanan’s shoulders like bricks.

“Ezra,” Kanan said, concern suddenly lacing his voice.  “Did you know something?”

Ezra quickly shook his head, panic rising in his chest at the thought of what Kanan might do if he thought Ezra had given the Imperials any valuable information.

“If you did, it’ll be okay,” Kanan said.  “You just need to tell me what you said so we can make sure no one gets hurt.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Ezra said.  “He wasn’t asking me about the rebellion.  He wanted to know about…about Maul.”

“Oh.”  Kanan didn’t know what else to say to that.

“What did you tell him?” he asked after a moment of silence that was a little too awkward for Ezra’s liking.

“That I didn’t know where he was,” Ezra said.  “And that I was -- that I used to be his apprentice.”

“If that’s all you said, then what’s the harm?” Kanan asked.  He didn’t know why Ezra would have wanted to protect Maul, but this wasn’t the time to press that issue.

“It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know anything,” Ezra said, his frustration creeping into his voice.  Why didn’t Kanan understand?  “I still broke.”

“Anyone would have,” Kanan said.

“I shouldn’t have,” Ezra said.  “I should have been able to hold out.  Maul taught me how to resist interrogation.”

“You mean he tortured you,” Kanan said, a hard edge to his voice.

“Yeah,” Ezra said.  “But you knew that already.”

“I guess I did,” Kanan said.  “But just because you’ve been through it before --”

Ezra was already shaking his head.

“I should’ve -- I know I’m stronger than that,” he said.

“Ezra, listen to me,” Kanan said, leaning forward and putting his hands on his padawan’s shoulders.  “It has nothing to do with strength.  Nothing.”

Ezra rested his forehead down on his knees, anything to avoid looking at Kanan.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Kanan said.  He shifted so he was sitting beside Ezra, one hand making soothing circles on the boy’s back.  Ezra felt his fear slowly fading with Kanan beside him, and he was furious with himself for letting himself be comforted through this when he knew he didn’t deserve it.  Still, he didn’t pull away.

“Why do I feel like this?” Ezra asked.

“Because that’s what happens,” Kanan said.  His voice grew quieter, like he was ashamed to say his next words.  “I feel the same way.”

“You never said anything,” Ezra said.

“I didn’t want you to feel like it was your responsibility,” Kanan told him, “because it’s not.”

“But, I --” Ezra’s voice hitched, his head snapping up so he was looking at Kanan.  His heart felt like it was dropping from his chest as he realized…

“You broke because of me,” Ezra said.

“Hey,” Kanan said, the movement of his hand stopping as he put his arm around Ezra’s shoulders.  “Don’t.  Please don’t blame yourself for that.”

“But it’s true,” Ezra said.

“No,” Kanan said.  “It wasn’t your fault.  It was his.”

Ezra pressed his mouth into a line.  He didn’t believe Kanan, not completely, but he knew if he said that, Kanan would only tell him the same thing.

“I know it’s hard for you to believe right now,” Kanan said.  Ezra slammed his shields back into place, even stronger than they normally were, as he realized Kanan could sense his disbelief.

“It’s something that takes time to believe,” Kanan continued, as if he hadn’t noticed Ezra blocking him out.  “But I don’t blame you, and neither does anyone else.”

Ezra said nothing, only tightening his arms around his knees.

“Promise me you’ll remember that,” Kanan said.

Ezra stared blankly down at the floor for a moment before he spoke.

“I’ll try,” he said quietly.

Kanan’s arm tightened around his shoulders.

“That’s good enough for now,” Kanan said.


End file.
